Anti-Versary

One year ago today…

The last time I spoke to Longterm,

after talking nearly every day for 5 years.

We had broken up in July, stayed in touch, and slept together over Thanksgiving break.

We had both slept with other people, but mine wasn’t attractive, and it just a week after Longterm left (leading me to a 4-month drought at that point). I knew she had slept with at least 1 guy and suspected more. She had been living it up, as far as I could tell, and it was constantly on my mind. I was obsessed with keeping my notch count above hers. I felt like if I had that, I was okay. The early DNA of the Quest was metastasizing in my battered psyche.

I felt lost without her, and clung onto hope that she would stay chaste on my behalf.

****

And on that night, one year ago,

I sat here on this same chair at my kitchen table…

Sat here at this computer, talking to her on Skype.

I opened the present she had sent me for the holidays, a set of wine glasses for my new apartment.

Then I asked her if she was actually going to take the adventurous trip to Montreal over winter break she had been dreaming of. She sheepishly nodded yes. I asked if she was going alone. She said no… She was going with her fat ex-boyfriend.

Planets collided in sparkling supernovas and buildings collapsed around me. Paralysis. Frozen. Emptiness. Panic. The cold black tunnel of loneliness blasted bright darkness into my eyes. Random sex was one thing, but a romantic getaway abroad? With someone else?

Him?

She stared at me, sympathy in her eyes. “Are you okay?”

“Yes…”

“It’s nothing serious, I just want someone to go with.”

“Did you have sex with him?”

“Why is that your business?”

“DID YOU HAVE SEX WITH HIM?”

“YES! WHY DOES IT MATTER!”

“You said he’s an asshole!”

(smiles) “He is an asshole…”

I break down in tears. I don’t understand.

She tells me it doesn’t have anything to do with me. She is just trying to move on and live her life. I can’t process it. Her words hit an emotional wall sitting about two feet in front of me on all sides.

I need to get away.

“I need to go.”

“Are you going to be okay?”

(fighting back tears) “I don’t know. Our anniversary is Friday… I’d still like to talk to you.”

“Okay, we can talk then.”

“… Okay.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

****

I never called her for our anniversary.

I haven’t heard her voice since then.

We sent each other texts to say happy birthday.

She is out of my life, but her presence will always be a part of me in some deeply hidden way. My path will always have its genesis with her, she will always be Notch #1. But that doesn’t mean her shadow hangs over the present. It just makes her special in a way.

****

After that night, I plunged into 4 more months of darkness…

And then…

I was reborn.