The Quest For 50 and Willy Wonka’s Adventures
have joined forces to bring you a very special weeklong series.
The inspiration for this project comes from Facebook’s upgraded Messages,
which now show every message you ever sent to anyone all in one convenient thread…
meaning that every time you want to message a girl you’ve known a long time,
she is going to see every cringe-inducing thing your past self wrote to her.
So to show how far we’ve come, and how woefully beta we once were,
Willy Wonka and Dagonet have teamed up to bring you:
GHOSTS OF FACEBOOK PAST
CHAPTER 1: THE SEXY REDHEAD IN MY DORM
Yo! Willy Wonka, here… Dagonet and I have teamed up to bring you ‘Ghosts of Facebook Past’. I’ll be hosting Dagonet’s posts and he’ll be on my blog hosting mine.
So, for this first installment, we have Dagonet in a relationship with Longterm, who I believe was studying abroad for the semester and they had agreed to be on a break.
During this time, he meets a sexy young redhead at the dorm’s gym and talks to her when his treadmill broke, complimenting her and asking her for help, telling her “you seem to know what you’re doing here.”
He runs into her a week later and talks to her on the bus, but doesn’t number close or anything, so like a resourceful beta, he scours Facebook trying to find her, and eventually does, and hence the conversation that follows…
This was before Facebook chat, so all of these messages took place in the actual message box, which is why we still have the complete transcript today, thanks to Facebook now threading all messages with a single person together.
For the remainder of this post, all of my comments will be in bold and parenthesis.
- Willy Wonka
(After she confirmed the young beta Dagonet on Facebook, he looks through her pictures and then messages her…)
Dagonet (9/26/07): Okay so it was you… that’s good haha. Would have been weird if it wasn’t. I just figured I might never run into you at the gym, so I might as well look you up on here, you know? Anyway, nice to actually meet you yesterday, and find out how judgmental you are. That must be the Southerner in you? Yeah, I went there. (And, he starts it off with the “I may be creepy” opener. Nothing like a little self-deprecating humor to get things going, ehh? Although, the Southerner comment is a little teasing, so that part’s not bad)
The Redhead (9/26/07): Well, it was nice to meet you too. I’ve noticed that you’re very polite. (That’s a judgment, but positive at least.) Even at the gym you said thank you for my help. Most people wouldn’t do that. That’s cool. How many other people did you try on facebook before you got me? (“You’re polite, but how hard did you actually stalk me?” Lol. At least she’s flattered.)
Dagonet (9/26/07): You were actually the first. It said you were a [subject] major so I was pretty sure I had the right one. I figured you were a sophomore though because I think you said you were taking a Con. West class, and you live in [our dorm] so you’re not a freshman (I know, I’m like Sherlock Holmes, right)… but I just took a shot at it anyway. I’m glad I managed to avoid the awkwardness of saying that REALLY random stuff to a total stranger. I just said it to a partial stranger haha. But at least you knew what I was talking about.
Anyway, I should get going. I’m at [internship] right now. It’s a really slow day so far, hence me being on facebook and not doing [TV network]-related things. But they have some stuff for me now. Talk to you soon? (And, he continues with the “creepy” thread, but at least he DHV’s himself with the internship, that’s actually interesting. The question mark after talk to you soon kills me though – are you asking her for her permission to talk to her soon?)
The Redhead (9/26/07): Absolutely. And I’m technically a junior, but I was a freshman last year…
Dagonet (9/26/07): Oh okay, yeah it seemed like you were younger than a junior. (Almost a neg! Don’t back down, bro…) Do you have a lot of AP credits or something? I decided to drop a lot of them so I could go four years. (subtle DHV, nice.)
The Redhead (9/26/07): What do you mean..it seemed like I was younger. I take offense. And, I thought you were younger than a senior. There. …Yeah, I did IB and AP in high school, and my parents said I’d have to spend my last year at [hometown school] if I needed to, so I decided three was just fine. (She didn’t expect the slight neg, so now, she shit tests with “I take offense”, let’s see how he handles it…)
Dagonet (9/26/07): Good timing, just signed and a few seconds later saw your message pop up… Um, I just got that impression from you, maybe because you said Con West, but I just thought you were a sophomore. Sorry to offend you (shit test blown!), but I guess now we’re even So actually, I’m not sorry. And I think you’re a liar… I told you I was graduating this year and moving to L.A., so you knew I was a senior. First your treadmill expertise and now this… I think you’re a pathological liar. (Oh, okay.. not too bad there)
The Redhead (9/26/07): No I’m not. Or am I just lying…
Dagonet (9/26/07): Hm… I’m intrigued. These mind games though… I’m a little freaked out, seems like “Fatal Attraction” or something. You’re not a twisted murderer, are you?
The Redhead (9/26/07): I’m tired. I can continue this banter no more. I wish you pleasant dreams, and I’ll see you around the…bus?…
Dagonet (9/26/07): Haha probably. I try not to surround myself with serial killers. Goodnight (He’s doing alright here. All of the last few messages were short banter. Not bad at all)
Dagonet (9/27/07): Are you well-rested enough for more banter? Hope you weren’t too offended by being called a serial killer haha… Then again, it offended you that I thought you were young, and I guess being a serial killer is a bit worse. Oh well… (…. but, then he blows it!!! He runs back to make sure she wasn’t offending by the banter!)
The Redhead (9/27/07): Is this like a masochistic thing where you just want me to criticize you? (DAMN) By the way, I wasn’t really offended by the serial killer thing. (She’s trying to help you here. Translation = “don’t apologize for your banter, wow, that was such a turn off.”) Kind of flattering… I’m actually not too offended by the fact that you thought I was young, either. It must have been the alcohol. Yes, I was in fact drinking gin and tonic in the Schweppes bottle. Oops. I hesitated to tell you at first, but I feel like we’ve reached the point in our banter where some revealing needs to happen. I made move 1. (She likes you. She’s giving you chances.)
Dagonet (9/27/07): Nah, I’m just joking around with you. (No shit, Sherlock!) Wow, that is awesome about the drinking though. I like gin and tonics a lot. (Now, you’re qualifying to her..) I knew you were upset about your essay and all that but I guess I didn’t realize how upset… I hear you can call the Wellness Exchange for stuff like that haha… And revealing sounds like a good idea, I guess we can only joke-criticize each other for so long. What should I reveal… um… I don’t know, I guess you’ll just have to ask me something first.On your profile it says you’ll debate anything… Is it true? Just watch out, because I was on the debate team in high school. (I like the subtle DHVs being dropped in though. You actually do make yourself out to be an interesting person throughout this conversation.)
The Redhead (9/27/07): I’m so glad you find that awesome…I was actually a little worried. …Yeah, I will debate any side of any topic–and win. I was not on the debate team in high school because my high school devoted all its money and time to football, but I would have rocked it had it existed. I can’t believe you’re looking at my facebook profile–you really are like Sherlock Holmes…I quiver to think of what you’ve dug up about me so far. You’re not playing by the rules, by the way. The whole value in revelation is that it’s voluntary…but I concede. Do you cook?
Dagonet (9/27/07): Facebook profiles don’t count. I don’t see how you’re surprised that I was looking at yours. That’s the whole point of Facebook, isn’t it? Anyway, it’s a voluntary revelation if you put it on your profile. (Over explanation) And you don’t have to get worried about what I’m going to say… I’m actually a pretty non-judgmental person, unlike you I’m not so sure about you being that could (FYI - she’s gonna reference this typo) at debating. I think you’re bluffing… I’m sure I could take you.I cook well, but I don’t cook a lot of things. I’m really into asian food. I have a rice cooker, which I use a LOT. Jasmine is my favorite. It’s actually my favorite food I think… jasmine rice. My specialty is this ginger and garlic teriyaki chicken that I stir fry with broccoli, water chestnuts, mushrooms… just whatever vegetables I feel like. I seem to make that one a lot haha, but I get rave reviews. I also tried making sushi a couple of times. My girlfriend got me a sushi making kit a while ago; it came out pretty good, but it takes SO much time (The cooking thing continues the subtle, interesting guy thing you have going for you, so that’s good. I actually don’t think mentioning the girlfriend was that bad – it shows pre-selection)
I picked up this new habit lately of picking up these little packages at Jubilee of “stir fry beef,” it’s just presliced really thin. I like them because they take like 5 minutes to cook. So I guess I’m as much of a cook as you could expect a college guy to be. Maybe working at [redacted] has rubbed off on me. Is that why you asked? Do you cook?
The Redhead (9/27/07): Wow. You wrote “could” instead of “good.” That’s funny. I noticed you had a girlfriend. (See, she’d already seen it on Facebook anyway.) How’s the long distance thing working out? I decided not to do the long distance relationship with my ex, and yesterday I found out that he is now engaged. I’m not sure why I’m telling you…I guess I need to keep saying it in order to believe it. Anyways, I only know how to cook breakfast and make sandwiches. I’m impressed that you cook, but I also kind of don’t believe you…
Dagonet (9/27/07): Hey I just got back from a really long writing session with some friends. They do this online comedy series, and they invited me to cowrite the next episode with them. Haha oh man I guess I need to be more careful about typos… Usually I’m good about that. Will you forgive me this time? (Seriously, bro?) Okay about the cooking, everything I said was 100% true, so if you don’t believe me, it’s your loss. Whatever. And making sandwiches doesn’t really count as cooking, but I’ll let you slide. That’s good about breakfast though.That’s crazy that your ex is engaged. How long ago did you guys break up? One of my freshman year roomates is engaged too… it’s always weird when people our age start getting engaged, and I imagine it’s a lot weirder if it’s someone you dated. Sorry about that. (Sorry? Why are you sorry?)
How’d you know my gf and I are in a long distance relationship? Anyway, the long distance thing is tough. We’ve been together two and half years, and it’s definitely been difficult at times. I won’t bore you with all the details. She’s in [europe] for the semester, so I’m going to visit her for a week pretty soon. After that we won’t see each other for two months, and we’re still trying to figure out how we’re going to handle it. So that’s the short answer. Is that enough of a revelation? (Okay, now, that was unnecessary)
What about you? Anyone new in your life since the guy who’s getting married?
The Redhead (9/28/07): I know everything… Nope, no one new. Just random encounters with interesting, unavailable men. (IOI!)
Dagonet (9/28/07): Interesting? I’m flattered. Of course you could be talking about all the other interesting, unavailable men you meet. Are there many?
The Redhead (9/28/07): The word “interesting” was meant in a “I-think-he-eats-paper-supplies” kind of way. And there are tons of them. (Ha, and she negs! I like her push-pull game there! She may have more game than you, Dagonet. Who’s leading this interaction?)
Dagonet (9/28/07): What the hell is that supposed to mean? Well, in that case I guess I’m not flattered. At least I’m not an alcoholic who drinks gin and tonics on the bus.
The Redhead (9/28/07): Low blow. (And you said it was awesome.) I was just kidding about the meaning behind interesting… I just wanted you to realize that the word can mean many things. I meant it as a good thing… And you know, I could have started drinking already, but I decided to do homework tonight–a Friday night. There go your claims of alcoholism.
The Redhead (9/28/07): Are you on facebook constantly? (A shit test) Only since I started talking to you do I check it multiple times a day. I was considering dropping it altogether. (That sounds like an IOI, you’re affecting her daily routine)
Dagonet (9/28/07): Sorry, I guess I was just offended and trying to hit back… Um, I have it on because my girlfriend and I were playing Scrabble on facebook actually (He’s “sorry” again, and he’s only on Facebook to play Scrabble with Longterm). It’s also good to just browse around it while I’m at my internship (which I currently am). I keep running off to do random tasks and then coming back and perusing a bit. I usually check it often though, I get a lot of use out of it; it’s a great networking tool for films too. So you’re staying in and doing homework tonight? That’s kind of noble… and nerdy.
The Redhead (9/28/07): I think I like it better when I just insult you and you take it. I was probably lying about studying, though…I do that sometimes. I intend to get some work done, but I know that my night will most likely end with a drink in my hand…I mean, it’s Friday.
Dagonet (9/28/07): Well that’s not gonna happen. So if you plan on insulting me again, you better be ready to take it yourself. It’s nice that you can multitask on Fridays, squeezing in studying and drinking. I’m probably going to be writing with those guys again after work for a few hours, which is kind of a nerdy way to spend Friday night also. But then I’ll go out down by [our dorm]. You been to any of the places around there yet? Do you have a fake i.d. or something?
The Redhead (9/28/07): No, I haven’t been anywhere but the seaport. It was fine. I don’t have an I.D., just some friendly Russians who own a liquor store where I am now a regular. They’re swell. Anyways, I always find studying easier with an open bottle of wine around.
Dagonet (9/28/07): Gotta love a good bottle of wine. Well, have a nice night; hope studying is fun. I’m heading out now. Talk to you soon (Good job on the takeaway there..)
Dagonet (9/29/07): Did you seriously invite me to the Dane Cook group? My respect for you is plummeting haha. (Damn, do you have to talk to her everyday?)
The Redhead (9/29/07): Well…your mom’s a whore. I can’t believe you don’t love Dane Cook.
Dagonet (9/29/07): Your mom’s a whore too. I guess honestly I don’t really know enough about Dane Cook to truly hate him. There is stuff about him that annoys me, but he’s pretty funny too sometimes. Still not joining the group though haha. What are you up to tonight? I was invited to a party, but I’m too tired to go out. I woke up early today to go home to [state] and golf with my family. It was fun but now I’m exhausted.
The Redhead (9/29/07): I actually have to stay in tonight because I have to wake up at like 5 to go to work. And my mom’s wonderful. I saw a [movie] poster today and thought of you…and your freakish likeness to [A-list movie star]. (IOI, she saw something and thought of you. And compared you to a celebrity)
Dagonet (9/29/07): Just can’t get me out of your mind huh?? Joking… (“Joking” wasn’t needed. Stop being scared to be cocky!) um… I’ve been getting that forever. The very first time, I was in a Japanese restaurant and the waitress walked over and said, “You look like that actor… from [movie]…” And I got all excited and was like “Brad Pitt?!” And she was like “No… the other one…” and walked away. Where do you work? And why do you have to wake up at 5 for it?Do you have AIM by the way? I feel like it makes more sense to just talk on there instead of these ridiculous facebook messages. (The classic Facebook to AIM bounce… I remember those days…)
The Redhead (9/29/07): I work for event staff, so I do random setting up and taking down things for other things. Stuff. Yeah, I’m tired of typing. I don’t have AIM, though. I usually just, like, speak to people. (Subtly calling you out – “grow some balls and come hang out with me in person!”)
Dagonet (9/29/07): Yeah… I was kind of afraid this would become one of those things where we talk so much online that if we ever actually meet up it would be awkward. Well, hopefully that isn’t the case. (Or, just make it more awkward…) I can’t believe you don’t have AIM though. I guess I can respect that. And what is “event staff”? Where do you actually work?
The Redhead (9/29/07): I don’t think it’ll be awkward. I don’t do awkward. Event Staff is where I set up the athletic facility for events. I’m literally a member of the event staff–which is funny because I care nothing for [our college] sports. It’s just decent pay and extremely flexible hours (I foolishly volunteered to work tomorrow morning). I work at [arena] tomorrow. The volleyball (? I think…) game starts at 7 a.m. G’night!
Dagonet (9/29/07): Oh, that’s kind of cool. Except for the 7 a.m. part. I have yet to go to a [our school] athletic competition… and I’m a senior. Oh well, that’s [our school] right?I’m glad you don’t do awkward. I mostly don’t do awkward; only once in a while haha. Anyway, I enjoy talking to you a lot, so maybe we should do it in person again sometime instead of on Facebook, since we live in the same building after all. (Finally! Although, the rest of the message was awful… and the “maybe” was you being weak and dancing around your intentions. She knows you like her, don’t try to hide it with “maybes” and “we live in the same building after all” excuses..) Can you still be friends with one of those interesting, unavailable types? Hope you’re already asleep, since you have to be up in 6 hours. Night
The Redhead (9/30/07): Yeah, facebook sucks. And I respect you less the more I only talk to you via facebook. (Wow!! This girl is really trying to help you out! She wants you to take the lead on this so bad!) I’m just now getting back from the god-awful volleyball tournament–yes, tournament, not game. I thought I’d be done by like 2:30 latest. It is now after 7:00. I was wrong. So very very wrong.I can defninitely be friends with an unavailable, semi-interesting (smile) guy, if you can just be friends, too. (Shit test and IOI in one.)
Dagonet (9/30/07): Ha, yeah I think I can manage. Cool. That sucks about the tournament though… you must be exhausted. Now I’m at work at [my major's building]. I’m a protools TA (it’s a sound/music editing program). Pretty boring stuff. I can go online at least, which makes it more bearable. (Damn, you could’ve made the Protools thing into a DHV, it actually is a very well-known program used throughout the music industry, yet you made it sound boring…)
Dagonet (9/30/07): I’m heading out from work now. Did you crash already? Haha. I’ll talk to you later. (Completely unnecessary. Are you checking in with her? Is she your wife, now?)
Dagonet (9/30/07): So I guess you did crash.
(Dagonet’s rationalization hamster, being as he’s now messaged her 3 times in a row without a response…) Good for you; I’m sure working volleyball tournaments takes a lot out of you, haha. I’m gonna get some sleep soon too. Since we’re friends and all now, if you want to call me some time, my number is [digits]. I know yours is on facebook, but I’ll pretend I didn’t see it, since you seem to have a problem with people reading the information you put up publicly online. I’ll wait for you to “reveal” it haha. Hope you’re off dreaming about Dane Cook. Loser. (I like the “Dane Cook. Loser.” part, you’re teasing her, which is good.)
The Redhead (10/3/07): Hey! Sorry it’s been a while since I last messaged… (Translation: “Why did you message me three times in a row?”) my week is finally starting to slow down (alcohol helps slow things down real nice…). In response to your previous messages:It’s very convenient that you just “happen” to get internet at every place you “work”: [cool internship], [other cool internship], [your major's building] as some T.A., etc. …It’s easy how “wherever” you are, the internet is readily available. I kind of get the feeling that you just stay at home in front of your computer, telling people that you’ve left and are working at some extremely interesting job. (Wow.) I can’t believe you don’t love Dane Cook. My respect for you has gone way down. I know he’s kind of sold out by doing so many cheesy comedy movies lately, but to claim that he just plain sucks–that he was never purely awesome–is just wrong. And, yeah, I guess all this talking means we’re friends. You can call me some time, as well. You know my number.
Dagonet (10/5/07): Hey, just got to work at [internship]. And no, I’m not lying haha. Did you get my text? (Wait, let’s break down this thought process… you texted her, then Facebooked her to ask “did you get my text?” Smh..) I was at [other internship] last spring semester.So did you get through the day yesterday without anything weird/traumatic happening? No sketchy dudes stole your PIN number or anything?
The Redhead (10/5/07): I might have been drinking when I sent you that message…I don’t remember. Anyways, whenever I’ve “been drinking” it doesn’t mean I’m drunk. I haven’t been drunk in a long time. I know you’re not at [other internship] anymore–I remember that conversation…Yesterday was great. Nothing weird to note. What about you? I guess you don’t have weird days like the rest of us normal people…Have fun at [internship]!
Dagonet (10/5/07): I definitely have weird days. One time in high school my friends and I all went out to dinner, and as we left, I thought the car behind us was our friends, so I gave them the finger… and suddenly this crazy middle aged guy yelled “YOU LITTLE FUCKER” and punched me in the head. He had actually gotten out of his car and hit me. That’s just one example haha.My day yesterday was pretty normal. I drank last night at my friend’s birthday party, but I also didn’t get drunk. I only had 2 beers though, I don’t know what your tolerance is… sounds like it’s pretty high. It was fun, it was at a bar called One and One, at 1st street and 1st avenue. Go figure.Now I’m trying to figure out what I’m doing tonight. Might end up just hanging out at [our dorm] or in the neighborhood, don’t know yet. What about you?
The Redhead (10/5/07): I’m not sure, either. I’ll probably end up hanging out at parties here…maybe we’ll go for sake…maybe I’ll end up in the village…I’ll just see where the night leads me.
Dagonet explains the rest of the story:
Amazingly, even though I was such a beta and The Redhead knew I sort of had a girlfriend, I managed to make out with her later that night. We were at a party and I said, “Hey, I’m thinking about leaving soon… what do you want to do?” She replied, “Why don’t you say it like a man and tell me what you’re going to do.” So I said, “Ok. I’m leaving. You can come with me if you want.” It’s amazing she gave me so many chances.
I sat in her room talking until 5 a.m… then she finally kicked me out. As I stood at the door, I finally mustered up all the courage I had and said, “I feel like I should kiss you right now.” She smiled and said, “You can if you want.”
I pushed her inside and we made out furiously against her wall. I was able to suck on her bare breasts and squeeze her butt through her jeans before she cut me off.
As I was walking out, I said to her, “So will you want to do this again??”
She assured me she would. I never saw her again.
Willy Wonka’s Take
Well, my final synopsis is that this girl actually liked the young Dagonet. She gave him multiple chances, and he actually did do a solid job of painting himself out to be an interesting guy with multiple interests and activities. Where he went wrong is he was just too… well, beta. He was scared to push things forward and he was scared of being too cocky or offending her. That’s what eventually killed him right there. With just a little more cockiness and leadership, this redhead could’ve easily have been a notch for the pre-game Dagonet…